I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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