No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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