Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
