i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
