Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Randomize