It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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