why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
