yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
