You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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