I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Sext me about skeletons
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
