he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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