My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
