Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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