You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
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