he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize