He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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