You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
