I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
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