I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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