I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
