i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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