mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
