Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
