Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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