she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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