I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
