and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Come on in and take your pants off
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