I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
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