Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
