I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
