What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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