You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
