So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
