On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Randomize
