Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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