Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
