They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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