i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I wish there were birth control emojis
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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