somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
