he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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