Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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