New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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