And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
