I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
