The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
