this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
