I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
