Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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