thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
