You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
there's paper in my vomit.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
