I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
