Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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