I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
