Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
