at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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